Everyone knows that Canadian winters are cold. It’s not uncommon to see your breath turn into ice the moment it leaves your mouth. Cold and Canada are synonymous, everyone knows that. However, what you may not know about Canada is that summers there last about 10 minutes. Depending on what part of the country you’re looking at, sometimes if you blink for too long, you’ll miss the entire season.

A good way to spot a Canadian is to tell them that summer lasts three months. If they instantly turn into a confused, stuttering mess, you’ll know that they are a Canadian.

In Canada summer realistically lasts about a month. And that’s in a good year. This year Toronto had about one week of summer weather. It’s hot during the summer, but the heat doesn’t normally last long enough to give the average Canadian a chance to climb out of the three parkas they’ve been wearing for the last eleven months.

However, don’t think that the short summer means there is nine months of spring and fall either, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Fall and spring don’t exist in Canada. They are simply called “early winter” and “late winter.” In these two seasons it’s still cold, just not cold enough to build an igloo in the middle of a downtown street. It is however cold enough that vistors to Canada think Canadians live in some weird hemisphere and that winter takes place at during different months there.

Winter in Canada, as has already been discussed, is cold enough that only the heartiest Canadians survive it each year. Bagged milk has been known to freeze solid for several months and beavers relocate their dams into the local Tim Hortons during the winter months.

In case you’re wondering, summer in Canada is already over.

It’s one of the few truly Canadian images. Maple leaves, Canada geese and beavers all appear in the United States, but not bagged milk. It’s the one iconic Canadian symbol that refuses to cross below the 49th parallel.

And it completely confuses and scares Americans.

Bagged milk is one of the easiest ways to spot a Canadian. If you present a Canadian with a plastic bag filled with white liquid they will say “Oh, a bag of milk.” An American presented with the same scenario will tilt their head slightly to the left and blink repeatedly. Bagged milk is a completely bizarre sight to an American. They can’t understand it. Some Americans have even been known to run away from bagged milk. It’s that powerful.

Apparently bags of milk are more environmentally friendly. They use less plastic and take up less space in landfills. Even if that’s true, you have to wonder what was going through the mind of the first person who decided to put a liquid into a bag. It boggles the mind. The two things seemingly do not go together. You don’t see bags of juice or bags of vodka do you? Though, I think the vodka bag would probably sell quite well.

There are few things that are more Canadian than bags of milk. Jugs of milk are almost unheard of in the Great White North. A few convenience stores sell them, but real Canadians want to drink their milk from a thin piece of flexible plastic. It’s the truly Canadian way.

Perhaps it’s the fact that the milk bag more closely resembles a cow’s udder. But then again, you don’t see Canadians running around and drinking directly out of cows, now do you? No, we save our energy for moose chasing and beaver racing.

Canadians aren’t a very openly patriotic people. They typically wear their Canadian pride underneath a snowsuit, rather than hang it from a flag on the front of their house. But this isn’t true in beer commercials. Watching an ad for Molson or Labatt’s will convince you that you are not truly a Canadian until you have a “two-four” under your arm.

Never was this more true than in Molson Canadian’s “The Rant.”

This commercial tackled numerous Canadian stereotypes. In the ad, a man named Joe stands up on stage and spouts off how perceptions of Canadians are false. They don’t say “aboot.” They don’t live in igloos. They aren’t lumberjacks. (Not even Molson would deny a Canadian’s love for the beaver however, saying beavers are “a truly proud and noble animal.”) Of course most of what Joe mentions defines Canada as “Not American.”

This wasn’t just a beer commercial for Canadians. It was a cultural event. It was up there with the 1972 Canada/Russia hockey series and the birth of Celine Dion’s baby. The speech from the commercial was printed on t-shirts and posters and it was performed at National Hockey League arenas around the country. It was more than just beer. “I AM CANADIAN” became a mantra for the True North Strong and Free.

You see, in Canada beer is different. It’s not just a way to get over a fight with your girlfriend; it’s part of the national identity. Beer and hockey are tied together and they’re both cornerstones of Canadian culture, like Anne Murray and bagged milk.

A good way to spot a Canadian is to ask them if they want a beer. Not only will they say yes, but a true Canadian will respond with “None of that weak American stuff.”

Canadians hate American beer. It’s considered unpatriotic to drink. You can’t play hockey and run through the snow chasing beavers while holding a bottle of Budweiser. It just doesn’t work. Despite the fact that most major Canadian beer companies are owned by foreigners, Canadians are still very proud of their beer.

So if you want to spot a Canadian simply take him or her to a bar and see what he or she orders. It will always be a Canadian brand and, if no Canadian brand is available, a Canadian will settle for a European beer. In rare situations, given no other choice, a Canadian will order a Coors. But that’s only because Coors owns Molson.

Canadian beer is a national identity and any real Canadian would know that.